Vegan Nataraja

 

Busloads of protesters are just now arriving for the morning rotation at the Cern Large Hadron Collider.

They are protesting for intellectual reasons.

They are certain that by colliding atoms in pursuit of knowledge in physics, with the hopeful breakthrough for another alternative energy source, that evil demons will walk through inter-dimensional portals and destroy Earth.

Their firm foundation of facts that supports this concern?

There is a large beautiful statue of Shiva dancing outside of the collider building complex and He is not a Christian God, the Cern logo seems to have a similarity to the numeric sequence of 666, and at the grand opening of the collider there were modern dancers whose choreography they disagree with and consider Satanic.

With logic like this, they have confounded modern science and logic.

 

“Cern must go. Cern must go.”

“Excuse me, do you mean that the linear accelerators, the Proton Synchrotron Boosters, the Low Energy Ion Ring, the Low Energy Antiproton Ring, the On-Line Isotope Mass Separator or the Antiproton Decelerator should go? Which component are you complaining about?”

“All of them. They all were levitating last week, and several employees have disappeared into alternative dimensions. Did you know the earthquake in Nepal was caused by Cern?”

“Cern is an international council that put this scientific project together.”

“Look, we know what is going on here. Cern must go. Cern must go.”

 

Meanwhile the scientists are now fully operating the collider, reaching levels of 12 TeV collision energy, finding today that there are exponential energy loops and they are not just theoretical.

“Let’s decelerate. This is astounding. We will be publishing for years on this outcome. Time to celebrate people.”

They flip the necessary switches to slowly wind down and turn off the accelerator, but it doesn’t work. The accelerator takes on a life of its own. The numbers increase to 16 TeV, to 18 TeV, to 20 TeV until a thin blue laser beam breaks free from the machinery and pierces the ceiling. The beam banks off a nearby building and hits the Shiva Statue in the front courtyard directly in his third eye. The statue opens its eyes, all three eyes.

“Oh, thank God someone finally figured it out. I have never posed in one place for that long before. My left cheek is beyond numb. Who came up with that dancing Shiva statue concept? So much for the French Can-can. Man is it nice to be free from statue status. I’m hungry. Maybe those people over there have some Vegan Snacks.” He runs towards the fence boundry where the protesters gather, “Hey, hey you, yea you, do you have some fruit or some other Vegan Food you can share?”

“Hey me? Look buddy, we are a group of Christian fundamentalists. We eat meat. We eat cow, chicken, pig and fish when we aren’t eating wild animals. We are going to heaven, we don’t care about the animals on Earth. Get a job you long hair girly hippy.”

“Eat cow?”

The Earth starts rumbling and moving. Suddenly the entire protest group gets swallowed up by the breaching bowls of hell.

“You had Vegan Food. Here is an apple in this handbag left behind. What a liar.”

 

Vegan Nataraja Shiva hungrily consumes the apple in record time. He sees only an empty road and a huge cavernous hole in the ground in front of him now that the fence which divided him from the protesters is gone. He decides to go back towards the buildings to find a little more food and some water.

He walks into a building near where he had posed as a statue. He wanders down a hallway, down some stairs and opens a door to a room. The door opens to a huge facility at the heart of the Hadron Collider.

“Now we are talking.”

He walks towards a group of highly worried scientists that are conferencing in white lab coats who are concerned about the recent overload. They look at him in awe wondering where they have seen this enigmatic figure before. Vegan Nataraja Shiva notices that the entire collider is about two feet off the ground floating and a huge interdimensional portal has opened.

“Oh my God. You are the statue in the plaza area. You are Shiva.”

“Yes, I am Vegan Nataraja Shiva, the dancing Vegan Shiva who dances the dance of ultimate destruction. Do you have some Vegan Food I can eat? I don’t normally eat a lot, but I have been a statue for over 50 years and I really need some food and water.”

“You are the actual statue? Oh my God, it is just like the fundamentalist Christians said,” says a scientist.

“Over through those doors is where we eat. Give them this card and have what you want.”

“Thanks,” he says as he takes the card and walks to the food service room behind the big window.

“How could those ignorant Christians be right?”

“They were wrong about when it was to happen, but they were right about what would happen.”

“You mean they cursed our project?”

“Something like that.”

 

Meanwhile Vegan Shiva enters the food room and sees the things for sale.

“These food items are not vegan. They are not vegan!”

He drinks a small bottle of water as his three eyes turn blood red. He throws the empty bottle on the floor and stares at the portal that is pulsating through the large window. The entire food room, the entire building complex, the road beyond, the city beyond and many people are sucked into the black hole portal very quickly. The professors who were conferencing in an office where they went after meeting Vegan Nataraja Shiva rush in and see the massive destruction. They rush to open the food service door where the ancient Vegan Hindu Deva stands unaffected.

“Did something upset you? Was the food not to your liking?”

“It was not vegan. They served dead animal parts. They must all be returned to the source and recycled into Vegan Beings.”

A tornado starts forming in the collider room.

Within a few seconds this tornado starts jettisoning things into the gravitational field of the black hole portal.

Vegan Nataraja Shiva starts dancing in front of the portal unaffected by the gravity nor the flying collider parts. The scientists are now holding tenuously onto railing, but their feet are in the air aimed at the black hole.

“I take it back. Even those depressing Christians couldn’t come up with this.”

“I agree. Vegan Hinduism is much better with this final judgement stuff.”

 

The roof of the building flies off as entire cities arrive from the sky and are sucked into the wake of the black hole portal. They are tossed into the black hole by the growing tornado.

Suddenly it stops.

“What’s wrong?” asks a scientist, “You stopped.”

“I think that apple gave me gas. It makes it hard to dance with a big bubble looking for a way out.”

The scientists return their feet to the ground and the portal now looks like a window on pause. A child chases after a ball and walks right through the portal into the physics lab from another dimension.

“Hi,” says a scientist to the child.

“Is he from another dimension? We need to lock him up and study him.”

The child opens its mouth that is filled with five rows of sharp teeth and starts to chew on a chair that is next to him as he eyes the flesh of the scientists. One of the scientists throw the ball back and he chases after it back to his home world.

“Vegan Nataraja Shiva, what is this portal you have created?”

“It’s just the snake I wear around my neck; see.”

The portal extends outwardly, slowly turning white and becomes a white snake that slithers on the ground and crawls up Vegan Nataraja’s neck to his favorite perch where he eyes the scientists.

“Um, Vegan Nataraja Shiva, we would like to stop studying this Large Hadron Collider and study you instead. Now there isn’t much pay, but the science we uncover could be very important.”

“Normally no one can come before me unless they are vegan”

With these words He disapears, leaving in a flash of blue, white and silver glitter.

“Oh God, what is that awful smell.”

“Euwww. That’s disgusting.”

“I think the apple gas bubble found its own black hole portal.”