Vegan Jewel of Truths Buddha

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The line went around the block, down the street, around the corner and beyond. Everyone wanted to see the recent discovery of the ancient Diamond Buddha statue found in a suitcase buried in someone’s backyard over one hundred years ago. The Buddha Tooth Relic Temple and Museum on South Bridge Road in Singapore had never had this much attention before. The international press set up outside the front of the museum and added to the chaotic over-saturation of public attention. Everyone wanted to know if it is really true that by seeing this statue in one’s life, one could reach Nirvana.

The statue itself is not huge, perhaps four feet tall. It is over seven hundred years old and has been missing from China for more than two hundred and fifty years. Somehow this global treasure ended up buried in a suitcase in a Singapore family’s yard and was uncovered when they wanted to plant a tree. They mystery of this famous statue is one of history’s most provocative tales.

Evidently, the statue was first carved in Burma out of white Jade. Then it went to Sri Lanka where a perfect blue star sapphire stone was inset on the Buddha’s third eye. Eventually Thai pirates stole the star sapphire stone but to no avail; their ship sank during their escape on the high seas. The statue then was bought by a rich Vegan Chinese Buddhist Monk who brought it to Beijing where a blue diamond cabochon from Africa was placed in its third eye. While setting the stone, the statue’s third eye hole was deepened to accommodate the new setting and a rolled-up note was found. It said that this statue must be brought to Vietnam in the year 1750 (of the Western Calendar) to protect the people there from a tidal wave that might occur on the Solar eclipse.

The statue made it to Vietnam and there was no tidal wave, but something else did happen. Everyone who saw the statue there was said to become entirely enlightened and entered Nirvana from simply being in the presence of the statue. Many people were said to also be healed from long term maladies and the statue changed many people’s fortunes. Then one day it disappeared. Folk tales talk of how the statue simply rose into the heavens, but no one can explain how it ended up in Singapore buried in a suitcase.

All eyes are now on this beautiful piece of art with hundreds of news cameras producing live feeds on every network. Outside, it sounds like cars are backfiring, typical of Asia’s unregulated automobile standards. Then it becomes all too clear. About twenty men have shot the armed guards and the police officers. They are rushing into the building through the line of people who have been waiting for many hours and bully their way to the statue.

One thief tries to pick up the statue, but it seems to be attached to its pedestal and the pedestal seems to be attached to the floor. Another member of the art thieves pulls out a long metal crowbar. Still the statue will not budge. Very light explosives are placed under the pedestal but that does nothing. Frustrated by the statue’s lack of desire to cooperate, the thieves leave before more police arrive knowing that their time is limited.

The military and the police show up along with paramedics to tend to the dead and wounded officers. The police try to shut down the exhibit, but the crowd grows angry. So as not to have a riot, at least five times as many police show up with military personnel to protect the exhibit and after the wounded and dead are removed, and the area is washed clean, the exhibit continues. The press is going crazy world wide because of the events that are once again surrounding the statue.

During the confusion, no one noticed, but a young ten-year-old boy walked up to the statue after the thieves had left and stood behind it. He then lifted it above his head as though it was a lite as a feather. It became the photograph of the century with an old man looking under the statue to see if there was a talisman or an inscription under this sacred art.

After the scene calmed down, the old man and the boy walked out of the temple museum together to find themselves encircled by the press who would not let them go until they told them the truth.

“How did you lift the statue that others could not?” fires the press at the young boy.

“I asked Vegan Buddha for help.”

“What is written under the statue?” they then hounded of the old man.

“One word.”

“What word? What word?”






Vegan Durga

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When all seemed to be lost, when Vegan Heaven itself was almost conquered by demons, the lesser Vegan Devas ran to the greatest of the Vegan Devas, the Vegan Trimurti of Vegan Shiva, Vegan Vishnu and Vegan Brahma for help. These three over arching Vegan Devas are the primordial Vegan Devas of all Creation, of Creation’s eventual demise, and of its eventual reincarnation. These three highest of Vegan Devas United their Vegan Shakti, their great Vegan Spiritual Power that is the source of their Vegan Deva identities, and created from it Vegan Durga, the great Vegan Warrior Para Devi who ends all tyranny. She is thought by many to be the greatest of all Devas and Devis, the primordial Vegan Mother Para Devi of all of creation whose unending power returns justness to the world.

If her mission is to end tyranny and to bring forth justice, and if indeed she is the primordial force that created the Devas as well as creation itself, how can she possibly consume animal products? Even further, how could she ever endorse the consuming of animal products by others?

Certainly, one of the greatest tyrannies ever faced planet wide is the bondage of animals. Food production has limited their freedom of mobility, their freedom to reproduce naturally, their freedom to live out their life spans, their freedom to live without fear of unnaturally imposed impending doom, and their freedom from slavery. If Vegan Durga is the greatest of all Devas, then she must know the suffering of animals, the negative Karma from consuming animal products, and the demonic culture that is born from consuming animal products.

If Vegan Durga fights demons, what of the demon of animal consuming culture where women have used makeup with whale parts in the makeup, where cars are preferred if they have dead cow skin interiors, where fast food for the family is a happy event of chewing ground animal parts and chemicals, and where rainforests are burnt to supply such hideous pastimes. There are also issues of war, land rape, subjugation of races and genders, genocide, state executions, torture and many other demoniac byproducts of animal consuming cultures. Vegan Durga certainly cannot support such a disrespectful culture that lowers people’s consciousness to the point where they think alcohol, gambling, pornography and violence are good things.

As the Vegan Mother of all the Devas, Vegan Durga most certainly wants to nourish her children with the right food. This, of course, is a vegan diet. She also would want her children to endorse Vegan Cultural Values of ecological practices, morality, pacifism and Ahimsa.

Perhaps when Vegan Durga conquers demons who are animal consuming and perverse, there is violence and other non-vegan pastimes. This is because morality can only be experienced between two moral parties. When immorality rises, it is the responsibility of the moral side to challenge those practicing immorality to change or be overthrown. We can not let our planet be destroyed, nor children to be raped, beaten and enslaved, nor can we permit our society to fall to criminality. Confronting the forces of negativity is not easy, and it does involve sagacious people, diplomatic people as well as righteous warriors. Violence is always the last resort for the forces of good, and, by contrast, it is the first response of the forces of negativity.

Vegan Durga is setting things right. She has set in motion laws of Karma such that those transgressing Ahimsa are to reincarnate as animals that are abused as food. However, even this model of Karmic retribution has its limitations. If negative demoniac forces do not mind paying this bill, or if too many negative people flood the world with food animals, or if the honorable Vegans no longer can tolerate such practices, then it needs to shift and change.

To end animal consumption is then to change the pathways of Karma and transmigration of the Atman itself. This is all part of spiritual evolution as we emerge into higher dimensional beings of light that no longer need to have retributive harm to know right from wrong to follow what is right. Vegan Durga is chasing the forces of negativity from the Vegan Wheel of Life daily such that we may relinquish animal food production entirely from our planet and from our reincarnation transmigration pathway expressions.




Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha

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Buddhatva is the Sanskrit word for Buddhahood. To achieve this lofty ideal, to be an Awakened One, one must above all else be vegan. How can one be enlightened and eat sentient beings’ flesh? To know this simple fact is to know the way of true Vegan Buddhahood and the way to true Vegan Buddhatva.

So, who determines such rules? It is understood that these constructs from the basic premise of the Vegan Dharma, to the teachings of all the Vegan Buddhas, and the wisdom in the universe that made way for such truth to illuminate others do exist and have always existed. In an ultimate sense, all Vegan Buddhas are light bearers of the Way, the Vegan Way of Being that embraces morality, cosmology, truth and the vegan method for achievement of the sacred task.

The sacred task is the voyage of life directed towards Vegan Enlightenment. We all grow in wisdom from our suffering if we let wisdom have its say. We learn from our mistakes and move on, hoping not to repete them. Enlightenment may be relative, moderated by one’s capacity to face truth and grow correctly. Enlightenment can also be comprehensive. True enlightenment is Vegan Enlightenment because without that fundamental realization that it is unnecessary to consume the tortured remains of executed, innocent animals, one is dealing with neither correct relativism nor correct complete realization.

Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha is a great Vegan Buddha who can guide this discussion, who guides the hearts and minds of many, and who is a path finder, a path illuminator, and a path destroyer when it is needed. Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha will end addiction, vice, cruelty, dishonesty, and crime because these are some of the most obvious obstacles to Vegan Enlightenment. Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha seeks to show all humans how their life paths work best without obstacles.

Because Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha knows the way, it does not mean that he is impelled to share this knowledge. To find from him the true way of being, one must first fix what they can of their own life to show a desire to hear the truth. If one goes vegan, gives up wrongful habitual patterns of thinking and activity, despite how deep the conditioning may be from physical addiction, family and/or society, then one prepares the way for Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha to enter their life.

A temple must first be created in one’s heart if such a great Vegan Buddha is to sit there in peace and bliss and teach Vegan Dharma. Some may argue that there is no path, trusting nihilism over realism. To some extent this is true, and to some extent it is not true. It is true that pathways of the heart are created out of nothing, like the arbitrary lines of roads that fill our continent. However, these roads and paths, as destructive as they may be, also serve an important function while they exist. In this illusion of life, we should be thankful there is a Vegan Path and a Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha to shine light on that path.

Without a path and a path knower to Vegan Enlightenment, we would be lost to nihilism, amorality and hopelessness. There is, however, a wisdom of detachment and a lightness of being from not growing addicted to the Vegan Path nor growing overly attached to the Vegan Dharma. Remain vegan, certainly, but one can go to a party with friends because one needn’t only dwell on their Vegan Perfection of Being. To do so would only lead to imperfect ends. In this way those that distrust any concept of a path, who trail blaze their own pathways and indeed do walk a path as they decry the pointlessness of paths, do offer some sort of tribute to the Vegan Way by heralding detachment.

Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha has published countless books, released countless films, supported countless studies, discussions and lectures and has built countless temples, monasteries and meditation centers. Unfortunately, most people somehow miss him and the point entirely even if they spend lifetimes intertwined with these manifestations of his Vegan Dharma. Vegan Knower of the Way Buddha saves countless people from their suffering, yet, very few even know his name. His selflessness is so great, he accepts no merit for his enormous contribution to life. Instead he gives that merit away to all sentient beings that they may find the strength to grow in greater Vegan Enlightenment.




Vegan Sitatara

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“Everyone shut your eyes. Now I want you to connect with your all-knowing mind.”

Twenty people at Hannah’s Yoga Studio in Oshkosh Wisconsin all close their eyes at the same time sitting on the floor cross legged in meditation.

“Knock Knock.”

“Knock Knock.”


“Open the door to your all-knowing mind.”

“Are you sure I can do that? I only started Yoga classes here a few weeks ago. Maybe you should invite someone who is more advanced.”

“Knock Knock.”

“Alright, but this is on you.”

A huge and heavy wooden door carved in circa thirteenth century from the region now known as Nepal opens in a young lady’s mind. The light is dazzling. There are so many flowers she can not count them all. At the end of the winding path of strewn flower petals lined with thousands of flowers sits a glowing white female figure, scantily dressed, wearing a crown.

“Who are you?”

“The real question at hand is, who are you?”

“I’m a student at Hannah’s Yoga Studio. I just started a few weeks ago, and I had no idea this would happen.”

“You may be that if you need it to explain the awkward position you have placed yourself.”

“Excuse me, you did not tell me your name.”

“I have many names. I will not stand to greet you because I have eyes in my feet. I will not shake your hand because I have eyes in my hands. I also have three eyes in my head. I am known as Vegan Sitatara by others.”

“You are Vegan White Tara?”

“You can call me that.”

“Oh, my Vegan God! How did I end up here?”

“You are looking for the all-knowing mind, correct?”


“Well, did you think it would be a man?”

“Well, no I guess. My brother can’t even remember my parent’s birthday.”

“Why are you seeking the all-knowing mind?”

“My Yoga teacher asked us to do it as an exercise in class.”

“Well, I am here as always. Is there anything you need to know?”

“Not for me exactly, but can you tell me something to say in class to my teacher so that she will believe me when I tell her I met you?”

“Sure. Just tell her it is underneath the couch by the front left leg of the couch. Then tell her he will call her again.”

“That’s it?”

“That is all.”

Goooonnngggg. The Yoga teacher strikes a gong and wakes her class from deep contemplation.

“Did anyone find the all-knowing mind?”

“I didn’t but I figured out the missing ingredient for the chocolate cake my mother used to make.”

“I didn’t either, but I remembered I have a test tomorrow.”

“Anyone else? These are good select memories that are drawn from the all-knowing mind.”

“Excuse me Vegan Yogini, but I reached the all-knowing mind.”

“Come on sister, you have only been taking classes a short while.”

“Yea, that isn’t possible is it? I mean you should be at least taking intermediate classes or something to reach there.”

“Class, as I have told you, there is nothing impossible with meditation. Now please tell us what you saw.”

“Well there was a door that I opened and there were flowers, so many flowers. And then I saw Vegan White Tara sitting on a throne.”

“Yea right.”

“Class, please be respectful.”

“She told me to tell you that it is under your couch by the front left leg of the couch and he will call you.”

There is a dead silence as the teacher pulls her jaw up from the floor.

“I will look there tonight.”


Three months later, there is a large cult following for Vegan White Tara Meditation ushered by a new American Guru who goes by the name Vegan Guru Stella Ji. Born from Hannah’s Yoga Studio, this movement brings people to a reassuring place of mind that all is known so there is no need for mental and emotional turbulence. All things are known so we need only to accept things as they are peacefully and to offer them to Vegan Bhagavan as His creation and delight. One may also ask for Vegan Sitatara’s wisdom and guidance to live in peace and grace. The door to her presence is found through a Vegan Lifestyle and Vegan Meditation.

Many of Vegan Guru Stella Ji’s students exchange with Vegan Buddha Guru’s students on the internet as a coalescing of a new Vegan American Buddhism begins to spread across the continent. This inter-racial, English speaking, American form of Vegan Buddhism sweeps the world. Several other Vegan Gurus arise as a new culture evolves planet wide. No longer were such practices limited to a Far Eastern context as people started to rely on their own interior wisdom to find truth. The entire movement is Vegan, dedicated to improving life on Earth for all sentient beings and to teaching the simple acts of meditation, chanting and studying the texts and videos of other Vegan Enlightening Beings.

Soon this movement fused with a rising Vegan Hindu movement and a rising Vegan Jain movement all born in America. This American movement then fused with similar movements rising in Europe, south America, Africa and other places. India and Asia were not removed from the equation, they were a tree that has sent its seeds forward into the wind and brought forth new saplings.




Vegan Shambhala

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“Ladies and gentlemen, alumni and soon to be alumni, I am here today on a most auspicious occasion to greet the most recent graduating class from this august institution; the graduating class of this the world’s very first Vegan Buddhist University. It is with great honor, I will now introduce to the stage our founding member of this academic mission. Please give a warm welcome to Vegan Buddha Guru.”

Walking mindfully onto the stage amid a huge standing ovation is the sagacious leader of the world’s greatest cultural renaissance in the history of humankind. He climbs the stairs slowly as if he is walking with ceremonial priests climbing the steps of an ancient pyramid. He walks slowly across the stage towards the microphone and lectern. The graduating class and the entire audience slowly end the applause and are now seated on the edge of their chairs to see this enigmatic world leader that makes so few public appearances. He transformed the entire world simply by writing a blog on WordPress and the world is still trying to digest that experience.

As soon as he is only a few feet away from the spot light, the lectern and the microphone, a bright turquoise beam from the sky lands on him and lifts him into an awaiting space ship that departs with their world-famous mystery blogger in a silent flash of light.

“Where am I?”

“You are Vegan Buddha Guru?”

“Yes, and who might you be?”

“We are the Cassiopeian Contingency. You have been brought to the most evolved civilization on Earth. Welcome to Vegan Shambhala.”

“Vegan Shambhala? People have searched for this place for thousands of years.”

“One only finds Vegan Shambhala by not looking for it. One must be invited and brought here. No one arrives here on their own.”

“This seems a bit high tech for the greatest Vegan Paradise on Earth.”

“You are right now in the historic wing of Vegan Shambhala.”

“Is this a space ship?”

“How very observant of you. It is the first place of Vegan Shambhala’s expansionary growth. This space ship entered in through the front door of the world’s oldest and biggest pyramid and then landed, after which it sealed the pyramid’s front door shut forever.”

“So, I am inside a pyramid? Where?”

“Mount Kailash is the popular Earthling name of this pyramid in the Himalayas. This space ship originally unloaded one thousand space travelers from a myriad of inter-stellar locations to build the biggest, most beautiful Earth base they could with unlimited resources. It has always been from here that the Vegan Buddhist, Vegan Hindu and Vegan Jain Revolutions have been launched to garner the purity of the human race.”

“Why am I the lucky one you have chosen right now to be in such an impressive place?”

“We had been monitoring you when you rented a cave in the high desert of San Bernardino California in Joshua Tree. Your classes were truly inspirational to many. Then you spent a few years traveling throughout Asia. When you returned to Hawaii to attend a graduation ceremony as the key note speaker, we thought this would be a good opportunity to pick you up. We need to fit you with a tracking implant. You are far too important to our cause. We just want to keep you safe.”

“Why Vegan Shambhala? You could have done this anywhere.”

“We want to honor you and let you see what you are part of in your educational campaign to bring the world to Vegan Buddhism, Vegan Hinduism and Vegan Jain Dharma or as you know all three to be, Vegan Sanatana Dharma. Besides, your blog is very popular among the Cassiopeians.”

“So, you landed the space ship in a pyramid, sealed the pyramid so it looks like a mountain and then continued to build a huge civilization from the space ship outwards inside a mountain in the Himalayas. Is that correct?”

“That is correct.”

“Well then, take me to your leader.”

“He is waiting for you. Right this way please.”

A small group of space travelers and one human blogger walk down a spiral rampway that leads to a lower level. There they approach and then stand on a moving sidewalk that approaches a mountain inside a huge cavernous space inside Mount Kailash.

“A mountain inside a mountain?”

“Yes, we find elevation spiritually elevating and we wanted a high place for our leader. It also made good use of some of the dirt we had left over from burrowing. We are going to the top of that mountain. It is there you will meet the Jade Vegan Emperor. He is the true ruler of Earth.”

The moving sidewalk brings them through a valley of tropical plants, a most exotic rain forest with many extinct species of plants no human has ever seen. There are rivers, waterfalls and a small population of exotic, peaceful vegan animals. The moving walkway continues up switchbacks to the mountain’s top. The entire ascent is filled with blossoming flowers. There are flowers that have been brought from hundreds of planets, flowers from the times of dinosaurs, and flowers from all over today’s Earth.

“How do all these plants get sunshine here beneath the surface of a great mountain?”

“We have a micro star we created. You have not seen it because it is unnatural to look into something so small and yet so bright. We have been creating micro stars for interior space and macro stars for outer space for billions of years. We have also created a micro climate in this cavern so it rains regularly.”

They finally arrive at the mountain top, surrounded by lotus ponds. There is a temple type building in the center of the lotus ponds. There is a strangely shaped archway that is symmetrical but is nothing like an Earthling archway. There is a small opening in building’s archway apex.

They go inside to find the Jade Vegan Emperor sitting in the lotus position high on a throne with a beam of their micro star light shining through the hole in the archway directly to his third eye. The Cassiopeians strike a gong which causes the hole to slowly close like a camera aperture. The Jade Vegan Emperor awakens and greets the group.

“Welcome to Mount Kailash and Vegan Shambhala.”

“Thank you, Jade Vegan Emperor.”

“So, this is Vegan Buddha Guru.”

Amazed at what he is seeing, the Jade Vegan Emperor looks very similar to the Emerald Vegan Buddha in Thailand, but he is eight feet tall and moves and talks.

“I have brought you here to ask you one question. If you answer it truthfully, you may spend one lunar cycle in our land of temples and eat the healthiest vegan food on Earth. You may also train with our people and improve your skills as a Vegan Buddhist. This singular question applies to all species of sentient beings on every planet and so it must have a far-reaching answer as well.”

“What is the question Jade Vegan Emperor?”

“What is more important than having children, making money, or gaining power?”

“Vegan Enlightenment is the only thing more important. Otherwise, the problems of anger, greed and ignorance simply continue from generation to generation and no evolution of heart, mind nor spirit occurs. Only evolution to the physical form occurs without Vegan Enlightenment in adaption to time’s procession of orbital spiraling.”

“Welcome Vegan Buddha Guru, you are truly welcome.”




The Vegan Emerald Buddha

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The pilgrimage to the Emerald Vegan Buddha is always a mysterious journey. The palatial chamber where He sits is a study in artistry of marble and gold. This statue is a national treasure of Thailand, kept in the compound of the King’s grand palace in Bangkok. The statue is made of green jade not emerald, but its gem quality is very emerald like. The statue is clothed in gold, sitting high on an altar and people from all over the world come to visit this monumental and historic piece of art.


“Vegan Nagasena come this way.”

“Yes, Vegan Indra.”

“Up the hill, we are almost there.”

“I have been walking all day, chasing your instructions. Everyone would think I am mad if they knew that I was chasing voices in my head.”

“This is not a voice in you head, I am Vegan Indra.” Thunder and lightning strike in the near distance.

“I am sorry.”

“Go left. A little further, now stop. Now dig. Not there, here.” A fig leaf flying in the wind lands several feet from where he was digging.

He digs two feet deep with his hands, he grabs a stick and now he is at three feet, now four feet, and the voice returns,

“Stop. It is there.”

Sure enough, his digging reveals a big stone. He struggles to loosen it from the dirt and bring it four feet up to the land surface. It begins to rain, and the soaking raindrops clean the rock revealing its deep green jade emerald like quality.

“How am I supposed to move this thing?”

Arriving from behind him at that exact moment is a cart drawn by an ox. The old man who is traveling by ox cart asks him if he needs a ride. They load the stone together and he gets a ride directly to the front of his current dwelling. He enters his lodge with the help of the old man to open the door as he carries the heavy rock. The old man smiles, offers Anjali and leaves.

“Ok Vegan Nagasena, you have been very wise to hear and obey Vegan Indra Deva. Now you will hear me as well.”

“Who are you?”

“I am Vegan Vishnu Deva.”

“I am also here Vegan Nagasena, it is I Vegan Indra Deva.”

He falls to his knees and weeps. “Am I going mad?” he wonders. “Why am I hearing these things?”

“Fall to your knees in prayerfulness not fear. We are here to guide you hands to carve the most important Vegan Buddha statue on Earth.”


“I have been carving for a month. When will it be done?”

“When we say so. It is almost time. Alright, now. Begin carving now.”

“Yes, Vegan Vishnu Deva.”

Vegan Nagasena, a humble holy man, begins his carving with the first dawn light hitting the stone directly. He carves into the stone beam by beam the sun as it arrives. He works all day removing layer upon layer, refining lines and adding detail the entire time.


Two months later the statue is almost done. He is now doing finishing touches by the full moon light as instructed by Vegan Indra and directed by Vegan Vishnu.

“Vegan Devas, I can now see this statue breathes, it is more alive than any piece of art I have ever seen. Tell me how it will help the world?”

“It will speak very deeply into the hearts of people the wisdom of a Vegan Lifestyle and the true methods of Vegan Dharma and Vegan Buddha realization.”


It is a very important day, Asahna Bucha Day, which commemorates the Buddha’s first sermon in Varanasi India when the Four Vegan Noble Truths were first made public. All the Monks are on the streets in their robes. The Royal Palace is filled with Buddhist Monks as well, but sadly at this point in history, very few are vegetarian let alone vegan. Throngs of people want to view the Emerald Vegan Buddha while so much truly beautiful Pali Chanting is sung by the most talented singers of the monastic community.

At high noon, when the chamber of the Emerald Vegan Buddha was filled to capacity with hundreds outside its door hoping for a glance, the Emerald Vegan Buddha started breathing. It was very subtle, but someone yelled in Thai that the statue’s chest is rising and falling as though it is breathing. Everyone looks, some with binoculars. “It’s true,” yells one and then another person in Thai. Suddenly the statue makes a noise:


“This is a great miracle! This is amazing!” shouted the people in the Thai language.

“Ommmm. Now is time for every monastic and all true believers to cultivate Vegan Lifestyles. The only true Buddhism is Vegan Buddhism. This new Vegan Buddhism is the true Buddhism taught by Vegan Gautama Siddhartha. It bridges the divide between all the schools of Buddhism. It is the true Dharma, it is the Vegan Dharma. Nama Vegan Buddha, Nama Vegan Dharma, Nama Vegan Sangha. Ommmmm.”


From that day forward, all Buddhism in Thailand, Sri Lanka, and Laos went entirely vegan. Everyone that made this Vegan Transformation admits that it is so obviously the correct thing to do, they can not understand why they did not do this sooner in history. Their cultural shame from eating meat does not come near the enormous cultural joy everyone now shares as vegans.


This is all we translated from an ancient document that bore the date of 525AD in the Western Calendar, that was in an air tight earthen stone jar I found in Thailand. The ocean washed it up on the beach when I was walking with a friend talking about Vegan Thai Buddhism. I was walking with a friend who was a leading scholar of Thai history and he translated it as I wrote. As soon as we got this far, a huge wave washed the container and the ancient manuscript out to sea. My friend tried to find it, swimming for hours, but it was gone.


Vegan Buddha Guru




Vegan Nataraja

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Busloads of protesters are just now arriving for the morning rotation at the Cern Large Hadron Collider. They are protesting for intellectual reasons. They are certain that by colliding atoms in pursuit of knowledge in physics, with the hopeful breakthrough for another alternative energy source, that evil demons will walk through inter-dimensional portals and destroy Earth. Their firm foundation of facts that supports this concern? There is a large beautiful statue of Shiva dancing outside of the collider building complex and He is not a Christian God, the Cern logo seems to have a similarity to the numeric sequence of 666, and at the grand opening of the collider there were modern dancers whose choreography they disagree with and consider satanic. With logic like this, they have confounded modern science and logic.

“Cern must go. Cern must go.”

“Excuse me, do you mean that the linear accelerators, the Proton Synchrotron Boosters, the Low Energy Ion Ring, the Low Energy Antiproton Ring, the On-Line Isotope Mass Separator or the Antiproton Decelerator should go? Which component are you complaining about?”

“All of them. They all were levitating last week, and several employees have disappeared into alternative dimensions. Did you know the earthquake in Nepal was caused by Cern?”

“Cern is an international council that put this scientific project together.”

“Look, we know what is going on here. Cern must go. Cern must go.”


Meanwhile the scientists are now fully operating the collider, reaching levels of 12 TeV collision energy, finding today that there are exponential energy loops and they are not just theoretical.

“Let’s decelerate. This is astounding. We will be publishing for years on this outcome. Time to celebrate people.”

They flip the necessary switches to slowly wind down and turn off the accelerator, but it doesn’t work. The accelerator takes on a life of its own. The numbers increase to 16 TeV, to 18 TeV, to 20 TeV until a thin blue laser beam breaks free from the machinery and pierces the ceiling. The beam banks off a nearby building and hits the Shiva Statue in the front courtyard directly in his third eye. The statue opens its eyes, all three eyes.

“Oh, thank God someone finally figured it out. I have never posed in one place for that long before. My left cheek is beyond numb. Who came up with that dancing Shiva statue concept? So much for the French Can-can, although, it is nice to be free from statue status. I’m hungry. Maybe those people over there have some vegan snacks.” He runs towards the fence boundry where the protesters gather, “Hey, hey you, yea you, do you have some fruit or some other vegan food you can share?”

“Hey me? Look buddy, we are a group of Christian fundamentalists. We eat meat. We eat cow, chicken, pig and fish when we aren’t eating wild animals. We are going to heaven, we don’t care about the animals on Earth. Get a job you long hair girly hippy.”

“Eat cow?”

The Earth starts rumbling and moving. Suddenly the entire protest group gets swallowed up by the breaching bowls of hell.

“You had vegan food. Here is an apple in this handbag left behind. What a liar.”

Vegan Nataraja Shiva hungrily consumes the apple in record time. He sees only an empty road and a huge cavernous hole in the ground in front of him now that the fence which divided him from the protesters is gone. He decides to go back towards the buildings to find a little more food and some water.

He walks into a building near where he had posed as a statue. He wanders down a hallway, down some stairs and opens a door to a room. The door opens to a huge facility at the heart of the Hadron Collider.

“Now we are talking.”

He walks towards a group of highly worried scientists that are conferencing in white lab coats who are concerned about the recent overload. They look at him in awe wondering where they have seen this enigmatic figure before. Vegan Nataraja Shiva notices that the entire collider is about two feet off the ground floating and a huge interdimensional portal has opened.

“Oh my God. You are the statue in the plaza area. You are Shiva.”

“Yes, I am Vegan Nataraja Shiva, the dancing Vegan Shiva who dances the dance of ultimate destruction. Do you have some vegan food I can eat? I don’t normally eat a lot, but I have been a statue for over 50 years and I really need some food and water.”

“You are the actual statue? Oh my God, it is just like the fundamentalist Christians said,” says a scientist.

“Over through those doors is where we eat. Give them this card and have what you want.”

“Thanks,” he says as he takes the card and walks to the food service room behind the big window.

“How could those ignorant Christians be right?”

“They were wrong about when it was to happen, but they were right about what would happen.”

“You mean they cursed our project?”

“Something like that.”

Meanwhile Vegan Shiva enters the food room and sees the things for sale.

“These food items are not vegan. They are not vegan!”

He drinks a small bottle of water as his three eyes turn blood red. He throws the empty bottle on the floor and stares at the portal that is pulsating through the large window. The entire food room, the entire building complex, the road beyond, the city beyond and many people are sucked into the black hole portal very quickly. The professors who were conferencing in an office where they went after meeting Vegan Nataraja Shiva rush in and see the massive destruction. They rush to open the food service door where the ancient Vegan Hindu Deva stands unaffected.

“Did something upset you? Was the food not to your liking?”

“It was not vegan. They served dead animal parts. They must all be returned to the source and recycled into vegan beings.”

Then a tornado starts forming in the collider room. Within a few seconds this tornado starts jettisoning things into the gravitational field of the black hole portal. Vegan Nataraja Shiva starts dancing in front of the portal unaffected by the gravity nor the flying collider parts. The scientists are now holding tenuously onto railing, but their feet are in the air aimed at the black hole.

“I take it back. Even those depressing Christians couldn’t come up with this.”

“I agree. Vegan Hinduism is much better with this final judgement stuff.”

The roof of the building flies off as entire cities arrive from the sky and are sucked into the wake of the black hole portal. They are tossed into the black hole by the growing tornado.

Suddenly it stops.

“What’s wrong?” asks a scientist, “You stopped.”

“I think that apple gave me gas. It makes it hard to dance with a big bubble looking for a way out.”

The scientists return their feet to the ground and the portal now looks like a window looking into a park where children are playing. A child chases after a ball and walks right through the portal into the physics lab space of the collider room chasing the ball.

“Hi,” says a scientist to the child.

“Is he from another dimension? We need to lock him up and study him.”

The child opens its mouth that is filled with five rows of sharp teeth and starts to chew on a chair that is next to him as he eyes the flesh of the scientists. One of the scientists throw the ball back and he chases after it back to his home world.

“Vegan Nataraja Shiva, what is this portal you have created?”

“It’s just the snake I wear around my neck; see.” The portal extends outwardly, slowly turning white and becomes a white snake that slithers on the ground and crawls up Vegan Nataraja’s neck to his favorite perch where he eyes the scientists.

“Um, Vegan Nataraja Shiva, we would like to stop studying this Large Hadron Collider and study you instead. Now there isn’t much pay, but the science we uncover could be very important.”

“Normally no one can come before me unless they are vegan”

With these words he disapears, leaving in a flash of blue, white and silver glitter.

“Oh God, what is that awful smell.”

“Euwww. That’s disgusting.”

“I think the apple gas bubble found its own black hole portal.”